Cheap Kardashians and Kardashian substitutes.

I'm not proud of this, but I bought a copy of The Star for it's front page news about Bruce Jenner planning to divorce his wife, elderly LA pimp Kris Jenner, formerly Kris Kardashian.

I should have just googled it instead of buying the stupid thing. I haven't seen their reality show in years. I used to watch it when there was nothing else on in the early morning, back when I had cable or satellite in my room. Now I'm down to a Roku.

According to The Star, Bruce hasn't slept with Kris for years, their marriage is a sham and he is tired of living a lie. And he's a cross dresser. He broke the news to the kids who all supported him, all having become increasingly alienated from their horrible mother, except for Rob, the son, who was generally ignored over the years.

Rob ran like a little girl to his mother and told her the news. Bruce is going to dump you! She promised revenge, perhaps by talking about his alleged cross-dressing.

If Bruce is a transvestite, good for him. Only interesting thing about him.

So, here's my advice to the independent film community.

Rob Kardashian obviously is wracked by feelings of inferiority. He's below average. His name doesn't even start with a K. He's the Jack Osbourne of his family. He's like Jan Brady. He's like that youngest daughter on Little House on the Prairie who never did anything. He's like that girl on Family Matters whose character was dropped from the show and no one noticed. He's like that little kid they brought in on Married with Children who disappeared without explanation.

What I'm saying is, if you want a cheap Kardashian for your film or video project, get Rob Kardashian.

"You see? I'm a star, too!" he'll cry as he watches your low budget exploitation film and his dreams of success begin to evaporate before his eyes.

Of course, he'd cost far more than he's worth. But there must be some unsuccessful Kardashian cousins somewhere.

Kardashian isn't a name they made up. It's Armenian. Find some unrelated actress named Kardashian. Or just find someone willing to use the name. They couldn't have trademarked it. Give her a first name that starts with K. Karla. Korine. Kelly. Kolleen. Kora. Klaudia. Kristy. Kami. Koo. Wouldn't matter what she looked like.

How about a Bob Kardashian. Bruce Kardashian. Robby Kardashian. Brody Kardashian.

If you don't want to use the name Kardashian, how about Kezerian. Khorozian. Kherlakian. Khederian.

If you don't want to demean an actor by forcing her to use "Kardashian" as a stage name, name the character "Kardashian".

You won't fool anybody. The idea is to make a potential buyer pause an extra second or two when considering your movie. Maybe they'll turn away in disgust. Maybe they'll watch it out of disgust. Like when I bought that lousy tabloid.