Something from The Onion

In case there's any doubt, yes, I know, The Onion isn't real.

My failure in life hasn't bothered me that much. Deep down, I always knew this is how I'd end up. But I've always wondered how people feel when their movies turn out really bad. I look at movies and imagine the heartbroken families of the actors.

The child actor who starred in Troll 2 thought he was well on his way to success having starred in a feature film. Then his parents gave him a videotape of the movie for Christmas. He put it in the VCR and his dreams of success evaporated.

On the other hand, my sister-in-law appeared in a bad horror movie. She knew it was awful, but she didn't care. She got paid and she was thankful she got killed off in the first ten minutes so her friends could see her and turn it off.

I'm a little apprehensive how another movie she appeared in will turn out. She was much happier with it. It was made by some recent film school grads, but it's still in post production.

And here, from The Onion:

LOS ANGELES—Stunned into silence after reading through thousands of highly critical comments about the new film, James Darnell, the CG supervisor for Cats, spoke up quietly Thursday to note that he thought he actually did an okay job. “Honestly, I think the end result didn’t turn out so bad at all,” said Darnell, stressing that the widely panned sight of Taylor Swift, Jason Derulo, and James Corden as computer-generated cats singing and dancing through London alleyways represented three grueling years of his life. “For months, I stayed up late rendering textures to make sure the whiskers looked just right on the face of [Idris Elba’s character] Macavity. That was hard, all right? And when I was finally finished, I was so proud that I showed my wife some of the concept art. I don’t know. Obviously, it’s a silly little thing, but—I mean, Jesus Christ, this is my life these people are tearing apart. Have some fucking decency.” At press time, Darnell speculated that maybe the problem had less to do with him and more to do with the fact that Americans have just gotten far crueler and more spiteful in the past few years.